The title of this post may be a bit misleading, but I do intend to talk about being selfish…in many different ways. I'm an only child. I've been called selfish many times as a child, mostly by my parents. And probably deservedly so. But sometimes I think it's good to be selfish. Necessary.
For most of my life, I've been selfish in all the wrong ways. And I know that I still struggle with this now. But, I'm learning to be a different kind of selfish lately. A kind of selfish that will only benefit me and the others around me in the end. I have always been what you might call a "people person." Not in the sense that I know someone everywhere I go and I just have a connection with everyone in town. But, in a way that I need people. I need to work with people. I need to help people, to talk to people, to care for people, to laugh with people. I need that in my day to day life. It's a very important part of why I became a teacher. Some people grow up knowing what they want to do with their life. And they are lucky if they actually get to do it. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher, but I was never really sure of my motivations for it. But, since I started teaching last year, it has become quite clear to me why I chose this profession. Because I'm selfish. I crave relationships. I go to school excited every day to see my kids, not because I want to teach them how to add or divide fractions, but because I want to connect with them. I do want to teach them, but not anything that comes out of a text book. I want to teach them how to be a decent person. I want to teach them morals and values. I want to teach them to always do the right thing. I want to build a strong relationship with my students. Because maybe I need that connection more than they do. Or maybe the need is mutual. But, I do it to fulfill something in myself as the primary cause. And part of me feels that this is incredibly selfish. The other part of me knows it's selfish and doesn't care, because I know my students will get something out of this too. They will leave every day knowing that I care for them more than they can imagine. I care for their futures in a way that few other teachers do. Of course I want them to leave me at the end of the year knowing their multiplication facts and ready to move on to middle school. But, what I really hope they take from me is how to be a good person and how to appreciate the people they're surrounded by and love and care for them. I hope they leave knowing how to take care of themselves. How to be selfish.
I want them to take opportunities when they present themselves. I want them to think about themselves when it really matters. When faced with the decision of traveling the world or being complacent and comfortable with the ordinary, I want them to be selfish and demand more. I want them to choose themselves first and always in relationships. I want them to take care of themselves. I want them to see their worth and to be o.k. with demanding more from people. And I make no apologies for wanting these things for them.
I've experienced failure on more levels than I care to think about. I've failed at school. I've failed at being a good friend. I've failed at relationships. I've failed at being a good daughter. I've failed at being honest. I've failed in accepting responsibility. And at times, I've just flat out failed at being a good person. And I've failed to be selfish when I needed to be. I've given away parts of myself that I can never get back to people who never deserved them. I valued myself so little at times that I forgot who I was and what I really believed in. But, not anymore. I've learned through all my failures of the past that sometimes it is very necessary to be selfish. And if I had been more selfish in the past, I may not be so scarred today. But, there is nothing I can do to change those things. Only recognize that I'm worth so much more than I've allowed other people to make me feel in the past.
As I get older, I have a clearer picture of the life I want for myself and the person I want to be. The things I want for myself are not out of reach. I want to be well traveled. I want to be kind and generous and understanding. I want to live my life knowing I did all the things I wanted to before I settled down and had kids. I want my students to know that I love them and want the best for them. I want all of my relationships to be meaningful. And sometimes, I will need to be selfish to accomplish these things.
For most of my life, I've been selfish in all the wrong ways. And I know that I still struggle with this now. But, I'm learning to be a different kind of selfish lately. A kind of selfish that will only benefit me and the others around me in the end. I have always been what you might call a "people person." Not in the sense that I know someone everywhere I go and I just have a connection with everyone in town. But, in a way that I need people. I need to work with people. I need to help people, to talk to people, to care for people, to laugh with people. I need that in my day to day life. It's a very important part of why I became a teacher. Some people grow up knowing what they want to do with their life. And they are lucky if they actually get to do it. I always knew I wanted to be a teacher, but I was never really sure of my motivations for it. But, since I started teaching last year, it has become quite clear to me why I chose this profession. Because I'm selfish. I crave relationships. I go to school excited every day to see my kids, not because I want to teach them how to add or divide fractions, but because I want to connect with them. I do want to teach them, but not anything that comes out of a text book. I want to teach them how to be a decent person. I want to teach them morals and values. I want to teach them to always do the right thing. I want to build a strong relationship with my students. Because maybe I need that connection more than they do. Or maybe the need is mutual. But, I do it to fulfill something in myself as the primary cause. And part of me feels that this is incredibly selfish. The other part of me knows it's selfish and doesn't care, because I know my students will get something out of this too. They will leave every day knowing that I care for them more than they can imagine. I care for their futures in a way that few other teachers do. Of course I want them to leave me at the end of the year knowing their multiplication facts and ready to move on to middle school. But, what I really hope they take from me is how to be a good person and how to appreciate the people they're surrounded by and love and care for them. I hope they leave knowing how to take care of themselves. How to be selfish.
I want them to take opportunities when they present themselves. I want them to think about themselves when it really matters. When faced with the decision of traveling the world or being complacent and comfortable with the ordinary, I want them to be selfish and demand more. I want them to choose themselves first and always in relationships. I want them to take care of themselves. I want them to see their worth and to be o.k. with demanding more from people. And I make no apologies for wanting these things for them.
I've experienced failure on more levels than I care to think about. I've failed at school. I've failed at being a good friend. I've failed at relationships. I've failed at being a good daughter. I've failed at being honest. I've failed in accepting responsibility. And at times, I've just flat out failed at being a good person. And I've failed to be selfish when I needed to be. I've given away parts of myself that I can never get back to people who never deserved them. I valued myself so little at times that I forgot who I was and what I really believed in. But, not anymore. I've learned through all my failures of the past that sometimes it is very necessary to be selfish. And if I had been more selfish in the past, I may not be so scarred today. But, there is nothing I can do to change those things. Only recognize that I'm worth so much more than I've allowed other people to make me feel in the past.
As I get older, I have a clearer picture of the life I want for myself and the person I want to be. The things I want for myself are not out of reach. I want to be well traveled. I want to be kind and generous and understanding. I want to live my life knowing I did all the things I wanted to before I settled down and had kids. I want my students to know that I love them and want the best for them. I want all of my relationships to be meaningful. And sometimes, I will need to be selfish to accomplish these things.