So I have this student...Johnny. You know, it's really hard to come up with fake names for students when you have 96 or so students. I wish I could be more creative with these made up names...hmmm. Maybe I'll call him JOSEPH! No, that won't work. But, I hope the joke is appreciated. I'm stickin' to Johnny. I don't know what it is with me and Jack Nicholson references lately... hmm I should look further into that in the future.
So ANYWAY, Johnny is often distracted when he is supposed to be reading, so I usually find myself having to sit next to him just to assure that he reads and leaves the other kids around him alone. So, I sit down next to Johnny and he says to me,"Ms. Lou Lou, WHY do you always smell like Redbull?" ...uhhh, what?! "I don't know Johnny." In my mind, I'm coming up with all these clever responses like "Hmm I don't know, JOHNNY! Maybe I got tired of doing this job sober and ran down to the clubs and got all crazy on vodka and Redbull!" or "Johnny, you're an asshole. Don't ever comment on the way a woman smells unless you're complimenting her. Even then, don't do it, because I will think it's weird coming from an 11 year old. Just shut up, Johnny." Ok, so they weren't that clever, but I would have felt much more satisfied saying either one of those things than just "I don't know, Johnny." and walking away because I'm the bigger man. heh.
Johnny: 1 Ms. Lou Lou 0.
Another example: Johnny is raising his hand for help. I gladly walk over to him because he never asks for help and I smile at him and say "What do you need, Johnny?" He didn't need anything. He just wanted to distract me for a few minutes. Mission accomplished. Johnny: 2 Ms. Lou Lou: 0. He asks me about something totally irrelevant and I start to answer his question. Then he stops me and says "Ms. Lou Lou, is that PLASTIC?!" I wasn't sure what he was talking about. Then I saw him lay eyes on my very plastic "diamond" ring. So, I tell him "Oh, this? Yes this is plastic. It's just for fun." It happened to be a cheap ring I bought in Vienna and I didn't really think it was THAT obvious, but apparently, Johnny fucking Jeweler can spot a fake from a mile away. He proceeds to say "Yeah...well it LOOKS plastic." complete with the gay neck swerve and everything. Burn. Johnny: 3 Ms. Lou Lou and her plastic ring: 0.
And my last example: Johnny is being Johnny and not reading, so I go over to him and say "Johnny, please get started on your book." He stops me again. "Ms. Lou Lou?" WHY haven't I learned by now that I should just keep walking and ignore him? Why do I keep going back for more? I can hear Rhianna singing in the background "I love the way it hurts." Anyway, I go back and he asks, "Are those staples in your pants?"...."Yes they are. My hem came out and I had to staple them until I can get home and sew them up again." This was a lie. The hem came out over two weeks ago, but I wasn't going to tell that to Johnny and give him another reason to torch my ego further. His response: "THAT. IS. GHETTO." Ok, so my feelings weren't actually hurt, because he was right. I ended up not really knowing how to respond, so I just started laughing. Johnny didn't know what to do either, so he started laughing as well. Dammit, Johnny. He is one of the cutest kids I have ever seen and I couldn't help myself. Johnny:4 Ms. Lou Lou 0.
But wait! I finally got a point, guys. Ok, so Johnny is a repeat offender of leaning back in his chair and rocking. I tell him over and over again NOT to lean back in the got damn chair and he does it anyway. Weeks went by, no...months! And every day I tell him "Don't lean in your chair, Johnny. You're going to fall out and hurt yourself." Every. Damn. Day. So, one day I'm walking around making sure everyone is reading and I hear a big CRASH! Well well well....look how the mighty have fallen. Pun intended. There is Johnny all lying on the floor, makin' a scene. He has somehow gotten stuck between the chair and the desk and cannot get out before everyone has a chance to see him flailing on the floor like a dying fish. I stop dead in my tracks and just take a minute to soak it in...and then...I start to laugh. I didn't WANT to laugh at poor Johnny, but I did. Then Johnny started laughing too, because he knew that justice had been served and he had it coming. I'm glad that Johnny and I could have another laugh together, this time at his own expense. Cute little shit!
Johnny: 4 Ms. Lou Lou: 1 (Son of a bitch. I hate losing)
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AuthorI like to write about the beautiful, sad, and funny things that happen in my life. Archives
April 2015
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